im still trying to get my brain back to singapore the busy city . totally forgot how to TAKE BUS ystd, it took me awhile to realise tht i need to scan my almost no money ezlink card -.- the bustop near my house changed also !
the two men in mok's household went shopping and used up all the hangers, NO HANGERS FOR ME TO HANG NEW CLOTHES !@#$%~ and changes under the roof, two weeks gone so many things happened !
even though i fucking hell lost 4kg thanks to the food poisoning, i gained back TWO kg alr so fast lah tskkkkk ! but i think it went to my boobs cus i finally have some cleavage aftr being totally flat for two weeks :(( malnutrition man, i need some boob booster meals goodness gracious .

but where can i pluck the courage to fall for you all over again, to trust and entrust, and to accept the imperfectness ?
you'll make things work out, wont you ?

21st march, im back from cambodia !

8th - 12th: Kolap 4 Orphanage
first thing we got there - clean up boys' dorm .
nobody told us anything cus there was miscomm, we were like "HUH WTH WHY SO LAST MIN !" but things were settled fast and we were so fucking shocked to see the messy dorm ! its like dusty dirty messy and whats not, cobwebs everywhere i was practically sneezing nonstop at the piling dust goodness . idk how they could live there lah !
so glad tht we managed to create a MUCH CLEANER place for them with their beds painted so colourfully, we spent two days okay ! our hands were fucking soaked with oil-based paints only thinner/kerosene could remove them . my hands were totally damaged and dehydrated by the excessive contact please .
painted girls' bed blue, taught the ppl english, washed and painted kitchen's wall, sand and varnish tables, sand and paint window grills were what we did in 3 days . lotsa work but we completed them much ahead of time and managed to play with the kids . so love to interact with the ppl over there, they're really friendly welcoming and cute !
the last day when we parted, they specially came back home early to bid us farwell . damn touching lah, tears welling up of course haha .
played indian poker on one of the nights with forfeit obviously . anjec had to call kurt (some spoilt & aa gay who joined us for a day) and confess her love wait till i upload the video damn funny ! me and wanghe had to dance chicken dance+''I DONT WANT EGG!" the next morning during breakfast in front of SP volunteery trip and the caucasians, super throw face can omg lah!

14th - 18th: Koh Rumdual
its actually some small island so gotta take a 3min ride ferry over .
repair tables, saw wood, sanding, paint walls .
i fucking sawed WOOD can you believe it, when i didnt even touch my d&t artpiece back in sec shcool cus my friend pratically saw and sand evrything for me machiam spoonfeeding ! im MELODY not WONDERWOMAN cus it sounds more demure (: anw we worked really really slow over there, i took like 2hrs nap for consecutively two days hahaha . but the tables were so nicely done, sense of satisfaction (:
didnt really interacted with the ppl over there and i didnt want to even go near them cus they had a weird smell . but it seems like i was the only one who caught the smell ! it aint v good to have a sensitive nose so i really kept my distance, like how pat kept hers from the children LOL !

19th: Kolap 4
went back to kolap 4 cus we finished evrything on the island ahead of schedule and we miss those ppl loads ! painted another sector of the kitchen and i braided almost all the kids' + our hair . so amazing how hairstyles could make such big diff on one's appearance, and so amazing tht those kids sat so still to let me do their hair except nari ! but she's my child so its perfectly fine teehee =D

rest of the days: R&R and NIGHTLIFE !
S-11 tou sleng museum, central market, russian market, clubbing, KISS
museum showed what happened during khmer rouge, just a tad bit better than the nazi's . just wonder how could human nature be so gruesome .
shopped at the markets, spent ard USD120 !
bought so many things lah, so proud of my $0.75 dress, $2.25 slippers tops shirts, and $7.50 bikini ! totally great buys cus we bargained like aunties !
"best price, klei (expensive), last price, se-art (beautiful)" blahblah, we managed to haggle more than half price down for some ! haha really learnt the art of bargaining man .
clubbing there was really fun, no entrance fee, teq shots gng at USD1.50 only ! amazingly they had english r&b . there were lotsa chiong music eg LOW and LEAN BACK in khmer (cambodian language) where we heard it in Kolap 4 damn funny can ! mingkai and ravina (anjec) got so high lah ! seven freaking shots me and pat took each yet we had to control ourselves to take care of them . stupid anjec spoilt the bathroon curtain and mingkai puked nonstop on the tuktuk, nanny mok kept patting his back hahaha ! and i actually got out of my room when i was naked WTF, sarah was totally shocked lah !
kiss was damn fun, and the bubble tea was SHIOK ! lemon dodo & yam milk tea's my fav, together with lotsa BUBBLES haha . you have bubbble ? =D
ohya we went for massage, fking hell cheat money except pat's masseur . they even offered the guys SPECIAL SERVICE hahaha, one of them even stripped the guy goodness gracious ! thankgod im a girl, i have no dick for massage .

really enjoyed this trip !
love the teamwork, pillow talks, quarrels with pat, stripping in front of anjec LOL, bitching sessions, rooming with sarah & pat, havoc with the team blahblah .
work hard play hard, totally had fun . though i wanted so badly to act like a spoilt brat during the tough times cus its fucking humidly hot and so many rough jobs to do, im glad i didnt . but i did had moodswings lah, pat had a taste of it and she totally wanted to kill me i think heehee =D
that sarah jane had bad impression of me for THREE LONG YEARS you know cus she say i was damn fking dao . i was totally oblivious to my surroundings - i didnt even know we were in the same lecture group, she say she smiled to me but i fking hell looked away . for all the three years she sees me everyday everywhere saying hi to sheena right in front of me yet i didnt even notice her existence ! perhaps i dont have parellel error cus she's SHORT ooooopsie . thankgod we met in this trip so that she finally knows mokhsinyu isnt dao ! first impression of me from everybody was friendly, pat and sarah was fierce so look who's the unfriendly one yo !
i had bloody food poisoning on the last day ! srsly damn suay, whatever goes in comes out from the mouth and im practically dehydrating from the bottom . my asshole felt like splitting man im like constantly running to toilet every few minutes in the airport and plane, good exercise like TOTALLY ~
i dont mind staying and develop in cambodia honestly .
ppl there are pure and friendly, they dont harbour so many intentions like us - eg saying hello really means HELLO without ulterior motives kinda feeling .
now i feel weird back in singapore and my room, sth like ohya this is my room !
and im starting to appreciate the weather here cus its really fucking hot there, the transition feels like s'pore to genting man !

im starting to miss those bits & pieces over there ((:

im gonna wake up in 4hours, checking-in in 6hrs and flying off in 8hrs !
but im not done with my luggage, 14days you know !

things happen for a reason

i cant believe this happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME on the dance floor .
what am i suppose to feel, how do you want me to react ?
so what if you apologised over and over again, whats done cannot be undone .
you know i can forgive but never forget, you know it very well .

i cant imagine if i returned late and missed that scene . i'd have been the dumbest girl on earth to place my faith on the wrong person !
dont tell me you did that because you werent sober, its all in the mind .
im not born ystd to believe it, maybe a first time clubber would .

thankgod im breaking away from this mess for two solid weeks .
you know im a perfectionist, and things just ended up so fucking imperfect .
you dashed the perfect picture .

honestly i feel like a loser inside out
why am i so forever indecisive ? all i could do is just sit there thinking and making empty plans/promises to myself . i lack of courage to pursue my dreams, the ending i yearn to have and definitely the courage to commit . i feel those helplessness within me that set me procrastinating because i dont know how, when and what to start with . and by the time i finally straighten things out, i've already lost to time by half a mile .

again and again i reminded myself not to step into the same old trap, losing control of things happening around and letting emotions get better than me . i cant pretend that all these didn't take place, neither can i overcome tht invisble barrier built within me since as long as i was born . ohgreat i've landed myself yet in another dilemma . why is it so hard, why ?

i really think there's sth wrong with me, my character .
im srsly a bitch .
im sorry for letting this happen, omg .
i just want to disappear to cambodia and never comeback somehow .